Someone told me that I needed a man. Someone told me I needed to get boned. I laughed at the notion. It has been two months now since I packed my husbands things and placed them on the porch. Some say it’s been two months, you deserve to find happiness. Some say that two months hasn’t been long enough. Some say you just need to get laid and don’t worry about all that emotional stuff. Some say you are still married, you can’t start looking to date someone new when you are still married. And some say you need to give yourself more time.
This is what I say:
I don’t need a man. I am happier with me than I have ever been. I laugh at anyone who thinks I need a man. What have men gave me that’s so attractive to need? What have men done for me? What does having a man get me? Sex? Yeah it sounds nice but I am an emotional person. That means I take sex seriously. I can’t just bone. I never have. If I was with someone it was because I liked them for something more. I am not a casual sex kinda person. I am one of those weird people who still believe that sex comes with intimacy. No matter what I have been labeled with by jealous on lookers in the past, sex is much more to me than what people have made it. I know it sounds sour but the excruciating truth of the matter is I don’t need a man.
I will tell you what I want.
I want companionship. I want intimacy. I want friendship. I want fun. I want something worth fighting for and worth having. I want someone who sees all that in me and isn’t afraid of it. That doesn’t stem from two months of loneliness. It stems from two years of lacking any companionship. It stems from endless nights curled up alone on my side of the bed because the one I wanted didn’t ever reach out to me and pushed me away when I reached out for him. It stems from never having small talk or deep conversations. It stems from excuses and being ignored. It stems from being talked down to or manipulated into believing that my intelligent conversations were my way of dumbing down someone when I was just being me. It stems from wanting to do fun things but nothing was ever fun for someone else. It stems from cowering down at my own dreams, desires, and needs because someone else didn’t believe in them or because chasing mine was my way of making them feel incomplete. It stems from never feeling wanted or desired. It stems from never being heard. It stems from my private intimate moments not being private. It stems from being bashed, lied to and about, and talked to and about like I was trash. It stems from finally doing for me, standing up and having a voice not for just me but also my kids, and helping them walk away.
See It will take a special person to understand me. It will take a special person to love me. The reason being is I don’t need a man. I want a man who loves small talk, emotional talk, intellectual talks, debating, joking, playing, snuggling, looking at the stars, going for hikes, playing card/board games, listening to me to reply, listening to understand, expecting the same from me and respecting me when I do. I want a man that believes in my dreams and chases his own. I want a man who is willing to argue and fight until it’s resolved because it’s worth fighting for. I want a man who doesn’t dumb me down because he feels inadequate. I want a man that wants to take care of me on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level and allows me to do the same for him. Notice I didn’t say financially. Why? Because this is something that has always been thrown in my face from EVERY man I have ever loved family or not. I don’t need a man to take care of me financially. To me that is something you do because you want to. I will never ask another man for a dime because I will not have it thrown in my face or lied about. I have taken care of myself, my husband, and my kids for the past year with very little help from a man. That is something I can not do and will not do ever again. I don’t need a man to boss me. I don’t need a man to be my daddy. I definitely don’t need a man who can’t be real, respectful, understanding, and loving.
What have men gave me? Besides my beautiful children, heartache and lessons on what I don’t want. So when the right one comes along with all these great qualities and proves to me he wants me, he will have me. Until then I have all I need.